The Secret Marriage Trope
by Darkly Dreaming
Summary: A retellling of the Pilot. Shenny.


A/N: Any dialogue you recognize comes from the pilot and is therefore not mine. Unedited. Any mistakes, let me know.

* * *

"Is that why they sent you to boarding school?"

"No, that was a result of my work with lasers."

Leonard and Sheldon finally reached the fourth floor landing and the open door caught Leonard's eye.

"New neighbor?" he asked.

"Evidently," Sheldon replied.

"Significant improvement over the old neighbor," Leonard noted.

"Two hundred pound transvestite with a skin condition? Yes, she is." Sheldon's best sarcasm was usually unintentional. This was no exception. At this, the new neighbor turned her head and Leonard heard Sheldon's breath catch. It was no real wonder, since his did as well. She was beautiful. Blonde, tan, and with legs for days. She smiled and his heart skipped. Then she spoke and it was like an angel.

"Hi Sheldon, it's been a while hasn't it?"

Leonard's brain caught up with what she'd said as Sheldon stepped closer.

"Indeed it has, Penny," he said, leaning against her door frame. Since when did Sheldon lean on door frames? And talk to pretty girls like he knew them?

Wait, he knew her?

Sheldon continued talking. "Since you're here, I assume your time in Vancouver is at an end?"

Penny skipped closer, hands in her back pockets, and said, "Yep. Figured I'd spend some time here. Be a little closer to you. Or a lot closer." She grinned at her own joke and it was radiant. But Leonard was still confused. And they were still ignoring him.

Sheldon smirked. Leonard had only ever seen Sheldon smirk when he was winning something. It was disconcerting. "So it would seem." He seemed to remember that Leonard was standing next to him then. "Ah. Penny, this is my roommate Leonard Hofstadter. He works with me at CalTech. Leonard, this is Penny."

Penny tilted her head a bit and smiled. "Hi. Sheldon's mentioned you in his emails. It's nice to finally meet you."

"Hi," he managed, before coming to his senses. "He mentions me in his emails?"

Penny's smile grew. "Oh, I'm sure most of what he says is exaggerated. Is that Indian food?"

Leonard felt like he should probably be at least mildly offended, but wasn't quite sure what about, so he decided to ask Sheldon about it later. "Uh, yeah. You wanna come over and have lunch with us?" He didn't know why he asked her, other than the fact that she was pretty and talking to him. And apparently wasn't weirded out by Sheldon.

"Oh that's so nice! I'd love to!"

"Just don't touch anything I choose as mine," Sheldon warned as they made their way over to 4A.

"Yeah yeah, I know," she waved his warning away. "So what do you guys do for fun around here?"

Leonard was caught between the truth - video games and general nerd culture - and wanting to impress her. Fortunately - or unfortunately, as the case may be - Sheldon answered for them.

"Well today we tried masturbating for money."

Leonard threw him a 'dude what the hell?' look. Penny just laughed.

"That does sound like fun. Not something I'm necessarily into, but hey, whatever does it for you when I'm not around."

Yet another phrase that made Leonard's brain stick. Then she sat in Sheldon's spot and he had a moment of anticipated annoyance. _Here we go_ , he thought as he circled the couch to sit in his chair.

"Penny, that's where I sit." _Yep. Right on time. At least some things still make sense._

"Oh, is this your perfect spot here?" she asked teasingly, fluttering her eyelashes. It was doing things to Leonard's insides. "Alright, fine, I'll move over."

"It figures that you would find my spot right away."

Penny scooted over to the middle cushion and Sheldon sat next to her while Leonard unpacked the food

"So tell me about yourself," Leonard said. "You said he mentioned me, but he never said anything about you."

Penny threw Sheldon a fondly exasperated look. "Of course he didn't. Well, I'm from Omaha. After I graduated I moved to Houston to pursue voice acting. I liked it because it was like regular acting, except I didn't have to work as hard. Do you have any idea how hard it is to try to be perky all the time? It's exhausting."

Leonard nodded. "I'm sure. So, Houston. That's really close to Galveston. Is that how you met Sheldon?"

Penny smiled. "Yeah. I was doing some dubbing for a really obscure anime and was invited to this tiny convention. He was dressed up as..."

"Char Aznable from the Mobile Suit Gundam series," Sheldon supplied. "Mom wouldn't let me build his Zaku so I had to rely on his signature helmet to allude to my identity. Unfortunately, Texas is sweltering in the summer and it was a cheap convention in a badly ventilated building, so I mostly carried the helmet with me and wore a blond wig and mask."

Penny took the thread back then. "I wasn't watching where I was going and bumped into him-"

"Knocked me flat on my behind, more like."

"And his wig and mask fell off, so I helped him up and everything just kinda went from there." She finished her portion and stood. "Sheldon, sweetie, do you mind if I use your shower? Mine's broken and I'm all gross from moving."

"I suppose. It's the first door in the hall."

Sheldon and Leonard moved to the kitchen to get drinks when there was a knock at the door.

Leonard opened it to Wolowitz and Koothrappali, the former of whom was holding a DVD.

"Wait til you see this," Howard said.

"It's fantastic," Raj raised both hands in a thumbs up. "Unbelievable."

"See what?" Leonard asked, shutting the door behind them.

"It's a Stephen Hawking lecture from MIT in 1974."

Sheldon rose from his spot on the couch to get Raj a bottle of water while Leonard raised his hands. "This isn't a good time."

Howard wagged finger on his lips, distorting his words as he said, "It was before he became a creepy computer voice."

"That's great, you guys have to go," Leonard tried again. If there was even the slightest chance of getting Penny to see him as anything romantic he didn't want Wolowitz to scare her away.

"She'll meet them sooner or later, she lives across the hall," Sheldon said from the kitchen bar next to Raj. "It may as well be today."

"Wait, she?" Howard asked. "There's a lady here?"

"Uh huh," Leonard affirmed.

"And you want us out because you're anticipating coitus?"

"I'm not anticipating coitus," Leonard scowled. It wasn't exactly a lie. Hope and anticipation were completely different.

"So she's available for coitus?" Howard continued.

"Of course not," Sheldon said. "She's married."

Before anything else could be said Penny emerged from the bathroom in nothing but a towel. "Hey Sheldon, is there a trick to getting it from tub to shower? Oh hi, sorry. Hello!"

"Au chante, madmoiselle," Wolowitz bowed to her. "Howard Wolowitz, CalTech department of Applied Physics. You may be familiar with some of my work, it's...currently orbiting Jupiter's largest moon taking high resolution digital photographs?"

She grinned uncomfortably. "Penny. I'm a voice actress. Sheldon, the shower?"

"Ah, yes. It sticks. I'll show you how to fix it."

As he followed her into the bathroom the others gaped at them.

"She's married," Leonard lamented. How had he missed the wedding ring on her finger? That's usually the first thing he looked for.

"Too bad, she is smoking," Raj said.

"She's your neighbor, right?" Howard asked, taking a seat on the couch. "Where's her husband? Shouldn't he be helping to move?"

Leonard blinked and sat back in his chair. "I dunno. Sheldon knows her from Texas, so when we saw her they started talking and it didn't come up. He did say she was in Vancouver, so maybe he's still there?"

Wolowitz narrowed his eyes. "Maybe. Or maybe they're estranged and she moved to Pasadena to get away from him."

Leonard tilted his head in contemplation. "I dunno," he repeated. "It didn't sound like a running away situation. It sounded more like her voice acting gig was finished and she was moving on."

Raj was the first to realize that the shower was running but Sheldon had yet to return. When he said as much, they each stared at the bathroom door.

"You don't think-" Wolowitz began.

"No way," Leonard answered, his voice tight. "He must just be explaining that the Star Wars hair products are mine to avoid embarrassment."

Raj added, "He _does_ know her."

Howard snorted. "Yeah, but that also means that she knows _him._ "

The trio were silent for a moment.

"Yeah, there's no way."

~*DD*~*DD*~*DD*~

"Come join me, Sheldon," Penny crooned.

Sheldon shook his head. "As tempting as you are, Penny, there are annoying busybodies cluttering up my living room and they will wonder what's taking me so long."

Penny closed the shower curtain and stuck her head under the spray. "And you'd rather spend this time with them than with your wife in your shower?" Since he couldn't see her smirk she made sure to layer her voice with a teasing lilt.

Sheldon scowled, then realizing how futile the gesture was with the curtain obstructing their views said, "Of course not. But I would also rather have you to myself without needing to cater to my guests. If I can get them to leave then I can help you unpack. And the sooner you unpack, the sooner we can spend some quality time together uninterrupted."

Penny raised an eyebrow. "Oooh, promising. Fine, go back to your weird friends. But at least give me a kiss first, it's been months since I last saw you." She pulled the shower curtain back a bit and wiped some of the water off of her face.

Sheldon obliged her and cupped her face with one hand, settling his lips on hers.

Penny suddenly grabbed his face with both hands and pulled his head under the stream, causing them to break apart. Sheldon gasped and almost fell forward and Penny laughed. Sheldon merely scowled at her and grabbed the hand towel by the sink to dry his hair.

"You'll pay for that later," he said as he left the room."

"Promises promises."

~*DD*~*DD*~*DD*~

Sheldon returned to the living room and resumed his spot on the couch. "Well, are we going to watch this Hawking lecture or not?"

"You didn't say Penny was married," Leonard said.

"I'll take that as a no, then," Sheldon said. "She's wearing a wedding ring, I thought it was obvious."

Howard piped up this time. "So where's her husband? Was it a messy divorce? Did she come here to escape an abusive relationship?"

Sheldon scowled at him. "She most certainly did not. The show she was voicing for has ended; thus she no longer needs to live in Vancouver. She came here to be closer to me. If she thought I was abusive she'd hogtie and castrate me."

All four men shuddered.

"Wait," Leonard said, catching on to what Sheldon was saying. "Closer to you? If she thought you were abusive? You're not saying-"

"Now he gets it," Sheldon said to Raj, who had pulled a computer chair over to the coffee table. But Raj was staring at Sheldon as though he'd grown another head. As was Wolowitz.

"You're her husband?!" Leonard cried. "But you've never mentioned her! And you don't wear a ring!" he said triumphantly, as though he disproved a theory.

Sheldon blinked and tilted his head a little. "You've never shown the slightest interest in my personal life. And you know I abhor jewelry."

"She lived in Vancouver," Leonard continued, unsure why he was so vehement in his accusations. "And in the years I've lived here I've never seen her."

"Well of course she lived in Vancouver, that's where she worked," Sheldon calmly explained. "And I live here in Pasadena because this is where I work. Now that she no longer needs to live in Canada she is free to live wherever she chooses, and evidently she chooses to be closer to me. And you've never seen her because I always go to see her. Her work schedule doesn't allow much vacation time, while I've been accruing hours since my hiring. My week-long vacation every year is an effort to spend time with her."

The guys were dumbfounded. Silence reigned for a minute. Then Raj spoke up.

"If you're married then why did she move across the hall and not in with you?"

"Oh we tried that once when we first got married years ago and we almost murdered each other, isn't that right honey?" Penny was back in her jean shorts and t-shirt, towel drying her hair and grinning from ear to ear.

Sheldon smirked. "Indeed. We're extremely compatible in every way but how we live, so a marriage counselor suggested we live separately and see how things are."

Penny draped the towel around her shoulders and sat on Sheldon's lap. "And that was almost ten years ago." She looked around at the guys as they gaped openly at her, settling her gaze on Leonard and laughed. "I love him to death, but I cannot live with him. I honestly don't know how you do it."

"And I love you," Sheldon told her. "But how you can live in such chaos is beyond me."

"If you help me unpack you can organize things however you want," she said softly, smiling. "But don't expect me to keep things that way, you know I get bored."

"Of course."

Penny threw the towel across the back of the couch and stood, leading Sheldon to her apartment by the hand.

"It was nice to meet you guys," she threw over her shoulder. "Don't wait up!"

* * *

A/N2: This was totally inspired by Zack's Shenny short. I had questions. I had ideas. I think I managed to do something similar but different enough. I am a SUCKER for secret relationships and secretly married is like, up there with fake married. There are not nearly enough of either in this fandom.


End file.
